Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 21 January 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 21 January 2014 |
“No yelling on weekda...
“No yelling on weekdays if you eat my dessert, but I scream Sunday.”
Signs of the times...
In the front yard of a funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'On an electrician's truck, 'Let us remove your shorts.'
Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'
On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'
On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'
On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'
On a muffler shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'
On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'
In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'
In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Bird it Through the Grapevine
Q: Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
A: He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.
Funny jokes-Grudge
The first round of drinks were served, and the Sikh guy gives him a smile, gestures to him saying, "Thank you!" in a loud voice.
The British guy is upset and again orders loudly to the bartender to serve another round of drinks to everyone except the Sardar.
The Sardar seems to be unruffled and he continues to smile, and yells back, "Thank you!"
The British guy is mad by now and asks the bartender, "What's wrong with this Sardar? I've insulted him by ordering drinks for everyone but him, and yet he smiles back and keeps thanking me. Has he lost his mind?"
"No, Sir," replies the bartender. "He is the owner of this place."
Every time a bell rings Chuck ...
Every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills a bear.Bloopers from Sunday School Students
Finish Overseas Tour
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"
Church Sign Chuckles
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes And Blunders
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
JB Smoove: Sound System
I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white. Stay Over One Night
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
The magician and the parrot...
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
The doorbell rings. A man open...
The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.
Enjoy the little things in life
Enjoy the little things in life because one day you will look back and realize they were the big things. 
