Jokes of the day for Monday, 20 January 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 20 January 2014 |
“Luridly sailing by t...
“Luridly sailing by the clock on a sea of mucus is a phlegmbuoyant pastime.”
Funny jokes-Grudge
The first round of drinks were served, and the Sikh guy gives him a smile, gestures to him saying, "Thank you!" in a loud voice.
The British guy is upset and again orders loudly to the bartender to serve another round of drinks to everyone except the Sardar.
The Sardar seems to be unruffled and he continues to smile, and yells back, "Thank you!"
The British guy is mad by now and asks the bartender, "What's wrong with this Sardar? I've insulted him by ordering drinks for everyone but him, and yet he smiles back and keeps thanking me. Has he lost his mind?"
"No, Sir," replies the bartender. "He is the owner of this place."
A couple is dressed and ready ...
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Job application...
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
Supermarket
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?""Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Chicken...Underwear
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces!
If you work in an office with ...
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.I get no respect 02
"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.""I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"
After the Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
This Wife Is Too Jealous
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
Texan Farmer Travels
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
I think Cheney is starting to lose...
"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'" -- Jay Leno
Tony Rock: Whole Other Level
Heres a tip for all the weed smokers in the room. If youre going to smoke, always smoke with your fat friends -- the fatter the better. Cause your fat friends will take the munchies to a whole other level. Your fat friends are like, Damn, potato chips? Im gonna go bake a cake. One night a teenage girl broug...
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
