Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 01 December 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 01 December 2015
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1560)

Funny to do list

Funny to do list: 1. Get to pet store 2. Buy bird seeds 3. Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow 4. Wait for the reaction.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

“At his trial, the au

“At his trial, the author needed a character witness.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny video of the day - PEOPLE ARE AWESOME | BEST OF THE MONTH (NOVEMBER 2015)

PEOPLE ARE AWESOME | BEST OF THE MONTH (NOVEMBER 2015) - Here's this month's compilation of the best viral videos of amazing tricks, skills and stunts! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Cajun Confession

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.
"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."
Priest: "What did you do with it?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."
Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

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A man really loved a woman, bu

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Bacon - perfect decoration for Christmas tree

Bacon - perfect decoration for Christmas tree - Handy if you you out of the food | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

The Snail

A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?"

The snail said, "Could you lend me 10 bucks?"

The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch.

About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

 Discuss Track Types


Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first Marine said "those are deer tracks."
The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks."
The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

On which finger will she stop?

A little girl counts from 1 to 1000 using the fingers of her left hand as follows. She starts by calling her thumb 1, the first finger 2, middle finger 3, ring finger 4, and little finger 5. Then she reverses direction, calling the ring finger 6, middle finger 7, the first finger 8, and her thumb 9, after which she calls her first finger 10, and so on. If she continues to count in this manner, on which finger will she stop?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

The Jordanian thief was like S

The Jordanian thief was like Superman, aka Amman of Steal.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Chicamote handmade accessories
http://www.chicamote.com/

A girl from New York and a gir...

A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side byside on an airplane.
The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than touse a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya from.... bitch?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

The Healer

A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey.

He looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus.

The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also.

The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said "Barkeep, give me a cold beer.

Hey, is that Jesus down there?"

The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door.

Jesus touched the republican and said, "For your kindness you are healed!"

The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip.

As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

A man comes home early from wo

A man comes home early from work and tells his wife he just got fired. He tells her, "I got caught with my penis in the pickle slicer." His wife asks him if his penis is okay and he assures her it is fine. "Well," she asks, "What happened to the pickle slicer?" "Oh," he says, "She got fired too."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Greeting Card Quest

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store.
After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?"
The boy shook his head, "No."
"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk.
The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Two fish in tank...

Two fish in tank, one turns to the other and ask, "Do you know how to drive this thinh?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

An old man was sitting on a be...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 December 2009
  • Currently 5.51/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (61)

Automobile Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it's open!” To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 December 2011
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (26)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 December 2008
  • Currently 4.55/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (22)

A man and an ostrich walk into...

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
#joke #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 December 2011
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (19)

Drink fault-finding guide

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault: You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

Fault: The pub is closing.

Solution: Panic.

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 December 2010
  • Currently 5.18/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (17)

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