Jokes of the day for Monday, 25 January 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 25 January 2016
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Charlie was a regular visitor

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two pounds on that horse and won close to fifty quid! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of £20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.
He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

“Some Missouri home d

“Some Missouri home designers are Ozark-itects.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny video of the day - Snowboarding with the NYPD

Snowboarding with the NYPD - Filmmakers use NYC blizzard shutdown for viral video - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Why No Luck?

Ole and Lena are driving home from a party one night when Ole gets pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to the window and asks Ole, "Sir, did you realize that you were speeding?"

"No sir," replies Ole, "I had no idea I was speeding."

Suddenly, Lena blurts out, "Yeah you did Ole! You were speeding and you knew it the whole time!"

"Would you be quiet Lena, this isn't the time or the place!"

"Well, you were speeding and now you're trying to lie about it," says Lena.

Ole replies, "Will you just shut up for once, I'm sick of you bossing me around!"

The officer, still standing at the window of the car is surprised at the way Ole is talking to his wife. He asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like this?"

"No," she replies, "only when he's been drinking."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Religious Symbols on the Rocks

Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
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Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Fuel up on motion

Fuel up on motion - So you're transportation vehicle can run forever | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

I am passing this on to you be

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, Ifinished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box ofGodiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Donation

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the

preacher made

an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man

in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and

announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich

man on the

shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I

will increase my

donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again,

and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my

last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him

on the head.

He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give

$20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit

him again!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A*B+C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (15, 16, 17, 18, 23, 24, 42, 44, 50, 58, 98) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A*B+C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

During an impassioned sermon a

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
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 Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter


From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.

#joke #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 December 2015
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Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

During their vacation and whil...

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.
With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead !
I just can't take that chance.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 January 2010
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Why did the city build a graveyard...

Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the street from the retirement home?
A: So all the old people can see there futures!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 January 2010
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Televised Operations

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 January 2011
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Rating: 3.2/10 (17)

Knock Knock Collection 084


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Heart!
Heart who?
Heart who hear you, speak louder!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven seen you in ages!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Heidi!
Heidi who?
Heidi-clare war on you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Heifer!
Heifer who?
Heifer cow is better than none!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Helena!
Helana who?
Helena hand basket!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 January 2010
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