Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 30 May 2017
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1774)

Oh to be in the 5th grade again

A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
Little Larry says: 'I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.'
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson 'And how about you, Sarah?'
'I wanna be Larry's whore.'

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (25)

Teacher: "Tim, what is the out

Teacher: "Tim, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Tim: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Tim, bark."
Tim: "Bow, wow, wow!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

“Some overreaching fu

“Some overreaching fungi lichen themselves to algae.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Mexican border wall? We ron

Mexican border wall? We taco fence to that.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

A priest, a doctor, and an eng...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (12)

Sign of the times...

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year olddaughter:

Mother: 'What does the cow say?'

Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'

Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Replace asterisk symbols with ...

Replace asterisk symbols with a letters (*** ***R**ON) and guess the name of musician. Length of words in solution: 3,8.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Three Policemen at the Pearly Gates

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“I was a police officer,” he responded.“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 January 2017
  • Currently 6.53/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (30)

Question And Answer

Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.


Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.


Q: What is an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.


Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.


There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can't.


Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.


Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.


Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.


Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.


Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.


Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.


Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.


Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.


Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.


Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.


Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.


Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.


Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.


Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.


Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.


Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 January 2015
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

I Am Napoleon

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 May 2009
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (33)

Chuck Norris feels that brass ...

Chuck Norris feels that brass knuckles should be allowed in the fight to cure diabetes.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 May 2011
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (32)

my dad

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 May 2012
  • Currently 6.26/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (27)

Church Every Sunday?

Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"

Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 May 2011
  • Currently 6.42/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (24)

Last year I replaced several w...

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 May 2015
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

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