Jokes of the day for Thursday, 15 November 2018

“I just can't see wh

“I just can't see why you say I'm myopic.”

One winter morning, an employe

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late: "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously, "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

 Knock Knock Collection 128

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Meredith!
Meredith who?
Meredith kind of Knock Knock
jokes and I'm leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mickey!
Mickey who?
Mickey is lost so that's why I'm knocking!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Midas!
Midas who?
Midas well open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey won't fit in this lock!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minerva!
Minerva who?
Minerva-s wreck from all these questions!

A Very Special Cow

Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

A blonde, a brunette, and a re

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:
"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)

Well isn't that nice...

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

A guy goes to the supermarket...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A burglar broke into a house o...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Nuns at the Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he...

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"

Under negotiations

An elderly married couple was traveling by car on a road trip. After almost 11 hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The husband exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. He told the clerk that though it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. The clerk nodded and told him that $350.00 is the “standard rate.” The husband wasn’t happy with the explanation and insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared, listened to him and then explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for them to use.

“But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. The manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas here," he said.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied. No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, the husband replied: "But we didn't use it!"

The manager was unmoved and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the checkbook he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00," he said.

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."

Lost it!

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex.

The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.

The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Night vs Morning

Night vs Morning. At night: I can't sleep. In the morning: I can't wake up.

Hello, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor...

Patient: "Hello, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, help me, help me, help me! When I do something, I repeat it three times, three times, three times. I'm terribly tired, terribly tired, terribly tired. Although my wife is delighted, delighted, delighted."