Jokes of the day for Friday, 11 March 2022

He Makes Straight A's

“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with his coach, “but how’s his scholastic work?”
“Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach.
“Wonderful!” said the sportswriter.
“Yes,” agreed the coach, “but his B’s are a little crooked.”

A funeral service is being hel...

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

If pork bellies trade on the N

If pork bellies trade on the NASDAQ exchange, do pork scrotums trade on the NADSAQ?

An elderly married couple...

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

Define embarrassment

Q. What's the definition of embarrassment?

A. Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking your nose.

A Rare Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

Nuns on the Highway

A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”

One morning the phone rang at ...

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

Mike Vecchione: Private Detective School

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case.

Demetri Martin: Stutter

One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think thats a bad thing, but to me thats just like starting certain words with a drum roll. Thats not an impediment, thats suspense.

International Joke Day Jokes - for smart people

July the 1st is International Joke Day! Are you smart enogh to get these Jokes?

1. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in.
The mathematician said, "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her."
The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

2. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek.
Einstein begins to count to 10. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one-meter by one-meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches 10, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton replies, "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

3. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, 'Make me one with everything."
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
"Where's my change?" the monk asks.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

4. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel, and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the others and says, "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong."

6. The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple.
First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

7. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of 'Being and Nothingness.'
He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee, please. No cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

8. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.
A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

9. A logician's wife is having a baby.
The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

10. A photon is going through airport security.
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

#jokeDay #InternationalJokeDay

No one is perfect

Remmeber: No one is perfect. Everyone's ass has got a crack on it.

Try To Explain Women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

My dog is not a pet

My dog is not a pet. My dog is family!

Uncle Roy

My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25 cents apiece.
Everyone called him Quarter Roy.