Jokes of the day for Saturday, 12 March 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 12 March 2022 |
Have you heard about the new m
Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?They're called "Predickamints".
The Mime Next Door
I got angry with the mime that lived next door to me.
To get even I played a blank CD over and over.
That drove him crazy.
Horror movie about bad airline
Horror movie about bad airline food: Snacks on a Plane.Things sure have changed...
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
Define embarrassment
Q. What's the definition of embarrassment?
A. Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking your nose.
Match Made in Heaven
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
Paul Varghese: Knock Knock Joke
My friends a Jehovahs Witness. He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him. Where are we?
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
School Collection 08
A math joke
If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
None, they were all copycats!
A history joke
What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate?
The registration of the car that ran him over!
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
A history joke
Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one!
A math joke
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!
Natural talents
I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
Fresh short jokes and puns
I suffer from kleptomania.
But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
What did the duck say after she bought ChapStick?
Put it on my bill!
I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
RIP boiled water
you will be mist
What do Broad Street sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing.
They fast!
Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!
What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
"Bison!"
Can February March?
No, but April May.
I’m writing a book about glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.
I’m so good at sleeping,
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!
A film crew was on location de...
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm.Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day.
"This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.
Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?"
"Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. "Radio broken!"
Getting a Cake
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
