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Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 1 to 40. |
Suit Yourself
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
Spring Cleaning
I'm not a fan of spring cleaning.
Let's be honest, I'm not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either.
Bloody Brilliant Dracula Jokes for World Dracula Day
May 26th is World Dracula Day—sink your teeth into these bloody good jokes that’ll leave you howling with laughter (just not under a full moon)!
I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.
However, there are only 2 employees so I have to make every second count.
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I heard Dracula has started selling NSFW content...
He's started an OnlyFangs.
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Why was Dracula a bad CEO?
He was always avoiding the stakeholders.
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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.
The strongest one started 1st,
"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"
Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"
Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
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2 vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first "what'll be?"
To which the vampire replies "ahh, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary."
The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, "What I can do for you?"
The second vampire replies, "I'll just have a cup of hot water"
Both the bartender and the first vampire look at him quizzically, "why do you want hot water?"
He then pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, "oh! I making tea."
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What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month!
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My phlebotomist told me a Dracula joke, to calm me down...
I asked if she knew any other jokes in the same vein.
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I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, "Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!"
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Dracula was on one of those DIY TV programmes recently.
His castle was getting a revamp.
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I had to end my friendship with Dracula.
He was a pain in the neck.
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Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Six Side-Splitting Jokes: From Balloon Blunders to Comma Catastrophes
My wife and her sister fell out on a holiday trip…
The rest of the balloon flight was, however, peaceful!
My friend asked me if I was ready to go to n*dist party
I said, "I was born ready"
A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference For instance,
“Let’s eat, Frank.”
has a completely different meaning from
“Frank is in a coma.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
But I will recover
My best friend loves Batman. So I said to him after our 6th beer: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Him (rolling his eyes): “Go on, then.”
So I growl: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Him: “That’s Superman.”
Me: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
1.7% of Americans over the age of 30 are married to their 3rd cousin. Not sure why they didn't figure it out after they married their first two cousins.
UK Trip Results
After a vacation in London, a couple had a little chat...
Husband: How should I get rid of the British Pounds I brought back?
Wife: Take them to a bank and covert them to dollars.
Husband: I'm not sure they'll do that. I think I just need to eat less and walk more.
Wool Socks
Why did the woman give her fiance wool socks?
She didn't want him to get cold feet.
International Sarcasm
"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I said.
International Dance Day Jokes: Celebrate on April 29th With Some Serious Dancefloor Laughs
April 29th is International Dance Day—time to move your feet and your funny bone! Celebrate with these dance jokes that have better rhythm than most of us on a Friday night
I started taking salsa dancing lessons but just don’t feel like I’m progressing...
It’s one step forwards, two steps back.
I have decided to give up tap dancing; it's too dangerous.
I fell off and twisted my ankle in the sink.
Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Check some older International Dance Day Jokes
How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
5678
Why do dancers say 5, 6, 7, 8?
Because the musicians already took 1, 2, 3, 4.
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – breakdancing, moonwalking, backflips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...
“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”
I had a fish that could breakdance on the floor...
But only for like 30 seconds... and only once.
What kind of monster is the best dancer?
The Boogieman!
Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.
What is a pretzel's favorite dance?
The Twist.
I told my mother-in-law that I would dance on her grave when she died.
Just to spite me, she got buried at sea.
What do you call a log that can dance?
A logarithm.
Working From Home
Yesterday I saw my neighbor kicking in his own door...
Turns out he's a burglar who started working from home.
Photographic Evidence
A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check.
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.
🥕 Carrot Day Jokes – 10 Crunchy Laughs for April 4th!
April 4th is International Carrot Day, and we're celebrating the funniest root in the veggie patch! Whether you're a fan of puns or just here for the laughs, these carrot jokes will have you peeling with laughter.
Why do sailors eat so many carrots?It helps them sea better!
Why was the programmer eating carrots?
So that they could C#!
How do carrots pay their bills?
With celery.
Check out some older carrot jokes 🥕
Why did the carrot go to therapy?
It had too many deep-rooted issues.
What did the carrot say during a job interview?
“I’m very well-rounded and great with stew-dents.”
How do you make gold soup?
Put 24 carrots in it! Why was the carrot a terrible musician?
Because it always lost its beat in the stew.
What did the baby carrot say after a long day?
"I'm totally steamed."
What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
Get out of my face!
How do carrots stay fit?
They do carrot-te.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Day Jokes
Happy National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day! Celebrate April 2, 2025 with some deliciously nutty jokes:
Why did the peanut butter break up with the jelly?
Because it felt smothered!
What’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich’s favorite type of music?
Smooth jams.
Why did the PB&J go to therapy?
They had a lot of spread-out issues.
What did the bread say after the PB&J got together?
“You two are really my jam!”
Want more puns? Check out this hilarious list of peanut butter puns.
Why did the peanut butter apply for a job?
It wanted to spread its skills.
What do you call jelly that’s always in a rush?
Jam-packed!
Why don’t peanut butter and jelly ever get into arguments?
Because they always stick together.
Here’s another funny one: The Peanut Butter Rooster.
What’s a jelly’s favorite pickup line?
“Are you toast? ‘Cause I want to be on you.”
What did the grape jelly say to the peanut butter at the party?
“Let’s jam!”
Why did the PB&J sandwich go to school?
To become a little smarter and more well-bread!
Bar Joke
A scotsman, an englishman and an irishman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this?
Some kind of a joke?"
True Happiness
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you!"
Holiday Wedlock
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
Typical HR
"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."
"That is cool! What did she say?"
She said, "We will get back to you soon."
Sergeant Abuse
A sergeant gives a private a hard time. He says, "Private, I bet you are just waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave!"
The private replied, "No sir, when I get out of the army I am not going to stand in more long, long lines!"
Iron Man And Iron Woman
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.
The Difference Between Outlaws and In-laws
Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
Money Woes
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck...
But through hard work, time and perseverance...
I now live direct deposit to direct deposit!
Statistics
The 50-50-90 rule:
If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right...
There’s a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The Future of Technology
I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”
Worth A Try
Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks.
If you are diving and are approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.
If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump.
New Skunk Band
Did you hear about the skunks that started a boy band?
They are calling themselves "The Back Streak Boys"!
Elderly Honeymooners
Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?
They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.
Difference Between In-laws and Out-laws
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are usually wanted.
Hand-Me-Downs
Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all the boys would make fun of me.
Moe: What did you do?
Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.
Lottery Winnings
I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75!
Near-sex Experience
I just had a near-sex experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
