The best jokes (166 to 180)

Slice of Life

Diner: "Pardon me, waiter, but what kind of pie it is?"
Waiter: "What does it taste like?"
Diner: "I don't know."
Waiter: "Then what's the difference?"

Chaplain of the U.S. Senate

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."

Identifying A Bald Eagle

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.

What Do You Get

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
...

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Edinburgh Fringe

I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons

I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook

Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson

I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith

I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
- Mark Simmons

My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
- Olaf Falafel

British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?
- Chelsea Birkby

I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
- Masai Graham

My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
- Zoë Coombs Marr

The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.
- Olaf Falafel

I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.
- Sarah Keyworth

I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard.
- Roger Swift

Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.
- Lou Wall

Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.
- Sophie Duker

Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
- Olga Koch

Child’s Birthday Wish

Child: "Mom, may I have a bicycle for my birthday?"
Mom: "Will it make you behave any better if I do?"
Child: "No, but I’ll behave over a wider area."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

After working most of her life...

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her nextcheckup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicinesthat had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as herealized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, doyou realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
Yes, they help me sleep at night. "
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in thesethat could possibly help you sleep!
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I knowthat. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass oforange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believeme, it helps me sleep at night. "
You gotta love Grandmas!

Kissing a model...

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

Klopman diamond....

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

Once there was a golfer whose...

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

old man goes to the Dr ...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "

Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

I'll dance on your grave

The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’'

Les Dawson (1931-1993)

Picture: Stephen Shepherd

>You know yo're getting old

You know yo're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

George Burns (1896-1996)

Picture: REX FEATURES

A young boy had just gotten hi

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit andenquired of his father, if they could discuss his useof the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'lltalk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, andsettle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After aboutsix weeks they went in to the study, where his fathersaid, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought yourgrades up, and I've observed that you have beenstudying your Bible, and participating a lot more inthe Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said,"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I'venoticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson hadlong hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses hadlong hair and there's even a strong argument thatJesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice theyall walked everywhere they went?"