The best jokes (181 to 195)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 181 to 195. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Don't marry Miss Green
I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
He said: "You can't".
I said: "Why not?"
He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it."
Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"
I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."
She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"
Max Miller (1894-1963)
Picture: REX Features
Musical Chairs
Q: What did one chair say to another chair?
A: "Here comes another a**hole."
Paying attention to those talking to you
Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you. There is an app for that- It's called respect. A couple is trying to have a b...
A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"
A woman took her dog to the pa...
A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would be fifty dollars, she was outraged. "I only pay thirty for my own haircut," she said. The groomer said, "That may be true, but then you don't bite!"
Two Irishmen robbed a bank
Two Irishmen robbed a bank and messed it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they found on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"
"Ten million pounds!"
"Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"
"I bought a house. How about your sack?"
"Bah... it was full of bills."
"And what did you do with them?"
"Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off..."
If you have an opinion about my life
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth. Two bachelors...
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking,their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.
'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --
'Take a clean dish...''
Grandma's Revenge
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
English lessons
A missionary suddenly realizes that the one thing he hasn't yet taught the natives he serves is how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle.
He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief: "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.
"How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.
"My bike," the chief replies.
Superbowl Ads
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
The Golden Saloon...
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
A Taxi Driver and a Priest Die…
He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"St. Peter replies: "When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed!"
