The best jokes (17836 to 17850)

 School Collection 03

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!

Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!

A history joke
How did Vikings communicate?

By norse code!

A math joke
Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
A history joke
What is a forum?
Two-um plus two-um!

A man goes into a little neigh...

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.
They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"
"You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"
"It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.
"Before we go up there, though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question. Do you like doing it Greek style?"
"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"
So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes - the woman has an incredibly beautiful body.
"Now, you're sure," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Definitely!" the man replies.
"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."
"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees.
The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.
The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest.
One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"
The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"
The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "OK Bill, he's ready now!"

“Are you feeling blue

“Are you feeling blue? Yes, cyan.”

A soldier, a sailor and an air

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.
"It is the laser," said the soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional."
"No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is radar. With radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch."
"I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos."
"The thermos?" exclaimed the other two.
"Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, just think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it."
"Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two.
"Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"

 Technology Problems

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Another problem solved.

“Did you hear about t

“Did you hear about the ice cream that died recently? Hundreds and thousands attended his funeral.”

The teacher was telling her 4t

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.
"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".
"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".
Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".
This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.
The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.
Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

The Engineering Pilot

Why did the Engineering grad became a pilot?
In order to "land" himself a job!

Went into labor

“When she went into labor, her husband started having a midwife crisis.”

“Twister arm and the

“Twister arm and the storm chaser will tell you almost anything. Give her a funnel cake and she spills all!”

Aloha

“Aloha is a soft laugh.”

“The retired weaver l

“The retired weaver liked to watch Star Trek and Lassie re-runs, dividing his leisure time between the warp and the woof.”

Pun season

“The time for submitted puns starting with the letter 'N' just expired. It's now 'O' pun season.”

“Our local wheat farm

“Our local wheat farmers had a flour-ishing harvest.”

I was kicked in the balls by a

I was kicked in the balls by a Cockney.