Jokes of the day for Saturday, 04 October 2008

Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

Because he was going to inheri...

Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

Drunken argument...

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

1974 vs 2004

A m...

1974 vs 2004

A measure of aging over 30 years

1974: Long hair

2004: Longing for hair

1974: KEG

2004: EKG

1974: Acid rock

2004: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool

2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems

2004: Roughage

1974: Hoping for a BMW

2004: Hoping for a BM

1974: Going to a new, hip joint

2004: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones

2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office

2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system

2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco

2004: Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test

2004: Passing the vision test

1974: Whatever

2004: Depends

Did you hear about the stupid ...

Did you hear about the stupid husband who had eight vasectomies? He had to because his wife kept getting pregnant.

Rude Drunk

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Hey, whatcha doin' with that pig?"

"That's not a pig, you stupid ass!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."

The drunk replied. "I was talking to the duck."

Strangers on a Train

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don''t know."

What do you call a woman with ...

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?