Vatican Fried Chicken
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
Because he was going to inheri...Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Men will never learn.
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"
Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
1974 vs 2004
1974 vs 2004
A measure of aging over 30 years
1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair
1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux
1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm
1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1974: Seeds and stems
1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM
1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint
1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones
1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office
1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system
1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test
Did you hear about the stupid ...Did you hear about the stupid husband who had eight vasectomies? He had to because his wife kept getting pregnant.
Rude DrunkA woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Hey, whatcha doin' with that pig?"
"That's not a pig, you stupid ass!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."
The drunk replied. "I was talking to the duck."
Calculate the number 2815
Strangers on a TrainA scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don''t know."
What do you call a woman with ...What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Sean Edwards, Leith
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