JOKES OF THE DAY

How can you tell when a redneck has a wedding?

A:

When theres tobbaco spit on both sides of the truck.

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . .

There was a man who had worked all of his life and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. One day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”

She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t foolish enough to put all that money in there with that man.”

She said, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I can’t life. I promised him that I was going to put his money in that casket with him, and that’s what I did.”

Her friend was amazed, “You mean to tell me you put all his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I wrote him a check.”


This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.