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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Thursday, Jan the 21st 2010
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Highly skilled or back braces |
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Funny photo of the day Permalink | Source : Picture is unrelated - WTF Pictures and WTF videos
Rating: 4.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Florida Orange Growers |
Q: Why did Florida orange growers offer O.J. Simpson \$3 million?
A: To change his name to Apple Juice. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 3.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Is Gilligan the Devil? |
| Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called
"Gilligan's Island." There is, however, a dark secret about
this "comedy" you may never have realized. The island is a
direct representation of Hell.
Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to
leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7
deadly sins:
Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is
obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.
Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's
beauty.
The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying
know-it-all.
Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.
Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger
to help on any of their escape plans.
The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no
explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on
each show.
This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them
there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their
escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is
SATAN.
Crazy? He does wear red in every episode. |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 9.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes And Blunders |
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Ever go fishing? |
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?" |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
Jake was dying.
His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I've slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 6.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Church Sign Chuckles
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Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees! |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Jenny Craig For Men |
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,
he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you
can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he
does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens
with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he
has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company
to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck
that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
A woman and her grandson were sitting in the pew in front of me in church.
During the service the minister moved to the lectern to read the biblical text. As he opened the large Bible, a small boy’s voice rang out.
“Oh, Granny!” he exclaimed. “He isn’t going to read the whole thing, is he?”
-- Victoria Stirling |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 6.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
A man returned from vacation feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital for a range of tests. The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bedside was ringing. "This is your doctor," said the voice on the other end. "We've reviewed the results of your tests and we've found you have a very nasty virus, which is extremely contagious."
"Oh my gosh! What are you going to do, doctor?"
"We're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"No, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 7.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
| I have a lot of homeless relatives in Hobo kin, NJ. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Hit-and-Run Accident Scene |
So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the second, "OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the median."
His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks, "How do you spell 'median'?"
So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says, "Head on the road." |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
| A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'." |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 7.2/10 (5 votes cast) |
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I just needed to use your car #joke #humor |
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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