Good jokes-Norwegian in Museum
The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998."
A man was driving along the hi...A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
Fifty meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Funny video of the day - Scooter Trick
Contributed by Michael Johnson
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.
Inside was a genie. The genie said,� I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, �I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account.
POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
I have bee...
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand -- word for word -- the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.
"Oh no," said Brother Andrew. "These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation." Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew. "My son," said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery's library, "let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then."Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. "What's the matter?" Brother Jonathan asked.
"I can't believe it," Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. "The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!"
Find the right combination
There was a guy so addicted to...There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.
One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. "What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!"
Knock Knock Collection 189
Walt till your father gets home!
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Wannetta time please!
Warner you coming out to play!
Porch or Lexus?A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said,"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
"$50" she replies
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked.
"Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats."
Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch. Its a Lexus."
Alfred Robles: Girl Like a Report CardI want a girl that reminds me of my report card: her face has to be an A, she has to have double DDs, cause tonight I want to F.
Bad day at the range
A guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.
Everything thing he tries to hit he tops, balls only going about 20′ and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters,” If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!”
Pro looks at him and says” I don't think you can do it.”
“Why not” He asks.
Pro says “I don't think you can keep your head down that long!”
TexasAt the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
“Say, is this really a healthy place?”
“It sure is,” the man replied.
“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”
CAT DIARY, 7 entriesDAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
Family of tomatoes...
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, Â“Ketchup!Â”
A champion jockey is about to ...A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,
"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"
Answering Machine Message 141
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
Farmer and the Pretty LadyOne day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a
short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!"
Bumper Stickers for the Bush 2...Bumper Stickers for the Bush 2004 Campaign
Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave No Billionaire Behind
Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-Voodoo All Over Again!
Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just Isn't Good Enough
Bush/Cheney '04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time
Bush/Cheney '04: Over a Billion Whoppers Served.
Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "Con" in Conservative
Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for Not Paying Attention.
Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast
Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil
Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!
George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There
George W. Bush: A Brainwave Away from the Presidency
Don't think. Vote Bush!
More Trees, Less Bush
It Takes a Village Idiot
One Person, One Vote (*May Not Apply in Certain States)
Bring Back Monica Lewinsky
Where is your beard?
After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"