A string walks into a bar and ...A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here." The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return." Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar. Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time. The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar." The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."
“I used to have a pet...
“I used to have a pet leech. It was attached to me.”
Two Roaches Discussion
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"
Bloopers In The Church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."
12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."
13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."
18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."
19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."
20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
23. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
24. Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Bus stop smellA guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your c*nt?"
"F#ck off, no you can't smell my c*nt!" the woman yells back at him,
"Oh", he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
Remove 5 letters from this s...
Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A: A baseball team.
Make God Laugh
You know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.
Bush vs. OsamaBush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!
Model NunSister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.
"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"