The best jokes (17776 to 17790)

A little girl and her dog are...

A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."

 Good To Be American

Top ten reasosn why it's great to be American

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
   
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
   
3. You can call Budweiser beer
   
4. You can be a crook and still be president
   
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
   
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
   
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
   
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
   
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
   
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
    
11. You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
    

“The rock climber was

“The rock climber was much boulder than his wife and decided to climb the world's tallest mountain. When asked what she was going to do with him gone so long, she responded, 'Alpine for his return and climb the walls with boredom.'”

Which Nazi loved Michael Jorda

Which Nazi loved Michael Jordan?

Joseph Goebbels. He loved it when things were Goering well for the Chicago squad, and especially when MJ would achieve Luftwaffe and Reich up the points. For the fans, it was beyond their wildest iMaginotion. It was Panzermonium.

I learned to canoe i-n

I learned to canoe i-nu-tero.

During the Klondike gold rush,

During the Klondike gold rush, a prospector came down from the mountains into a little one horse town. Finding a saloon, he says to the saloon keeper, "Give me a bottle of whiskey and a woman!"
The saloon keeper explains to the prospector that there are no women in this town, but some should arrive soon.
"Well what can I do for some pleasure around here?" inquired the prospector.
"If you really feel you must, there's Old Joe. He said, pointing to a toothless old man sitting near the end of the bar.
"No way," said the prospector, "I don't go for that kind of sex." He took his bottle of whiskey and left.
One year later the prospector came back to the same saloon, walking up to the bar he shouts, "A bottle of whiskey and a woman!"
To which the saloon keeper says, "No women have arrived yet but Old Joe is still here."
Grabbing the whiskey he storms out of the saloon saying, "I don't go for that kind of sex!"
Well it's one year later and the prospector returns to the saloon, nervous and shaky he pleads to the saloon keeper for a bottle of whiskey and a woman. The saloon keeper again explains there is plenty of whiskey on hand, but that no women have arrived in town yet. "But Old Joe is still here," he says motioning towards the old man sitting at the end of the bar.
"I don't go for that kind of sex," replied the prospector.
Exasperated, the prospector starts drinking his whiskey. When about half of the bottle is gone he calls the bartender over and asks, "If I should decide to fuck Old Joe, who all would know about it?"
The bartender says, "I'll know about it, and so will those six big lumber jacks playing poker at the table over there."
"Why do they have to know?" asked the prospector.
"You will need all six of them to hold Old Joe down... You see Old Joe doesn't go for that kind of sex either."

Saw An Old Teacher

I went back home last week and happened to see one of my old teachers, Mrs. Turtle.
She was a bit odd, but tortoise well.

Did you hear the pun about the

Did you hear the pun about the crotch?

 Mommy Mommy 02

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.

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Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?
Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!

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Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!

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Mommy, Mommy! But I don't wanna eat pizza!
Shut up and get in the oven!

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Mommy, Mommy! What do you want with that ax....

Livelihood is an ene...

“Livelihood is an energetic gangster.”

 Answering Machine Message 233

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

 Scary Collection 05

A ghost joke
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she!

A vampire joke
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
A coffin break!

A witch joke
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an 'appy rash!

A Halloween joke
Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his sister!

A cannibal joke
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!

A witch joke
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen!

A witch joke
What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a ride!

Donkey

“A donkey opens the godfather's door.”

Not Welcomed

An infectious disease walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve infectious diseases here.”
The infectious disease says, “Well, you’re not a very good host.”

“Becoming thirsty at

“Becoming thirsty at exercise class, Reverend Spooner drank chai tea during tai chi.”